Mosher's Musings

My Journey To 30, Part 1

2010-09-26T06:55:00.000-07:00

Next year, on Aug 12, I'll turn thirty years old. After I turned 29 this year, it didn't affect me at first. Shortly after Labor Day, however, I began to feel a sort of..."panic".

Had I accomplished everything I wanted to since I became an adult? Did I have a plan for the next five, ten, twenty years?? More importantly, how am I going to celebrate this milestone???

After moving back home for a year and a half, I recently came back to the city. While I enjoyed having seemingly unlimited time with my partner, I learned a lesson. This blog will focus a lot on some of the lessons I've learned:

LESSON 1: No one person can satisfy your every need

This isn't cynical. I love my partner more than anything else in this world. But humans are social creatures. We need to interact with other people. So the past month, I've been searching for adventures and experiences that the city can offer. Being a student, I started at the University.

My first attempt was the University's Outdoor Recreation Center's Bike Ride. The program was meant to promote their free bike rental service. The notice made it seem like a big group would be taking a tour of the campus via bicycle, led by an experienced cyclist.

What we got instead was an event nobody attended, and a first year student who knew less about his way around campus than we did. We still rode around campus, but it was not the experience I had expected or hoped for.

Last night, we opted to go on a Moonlight Canoe trip. The park was just down the road from us. I should have known better when I saw it, too, was sponsored by Outdoor Recreation. Again, we pictured a group being led by an experienced member of the organization. Instead, there was a bunch of 18-19 year olds, who pushed you off into the darkness without even a flashlight.

There was a better turnout, but the other canoes quickly disappeared from sight, the full moon being hidden by clouds this particular evening.

This, along with my partner's fear of alligators lurking about in the dark, caused us to cut our trip short. But, my search for adventure continues!

If you have any ideas or suggestions for pre-thirty adventures, post them in the comments section!!

Wellness Wednesday: Those Gay Chicken-Eaters

2010-04-27T18:24:00.001-07:00

Last week, the President of Bolivia claimed that the hormones put in chicken are turning dudes gay.

President Evo Morales was speaking at a climate change conference, when he apparently had a bout of dementia and forgot about the ozone layer and made this comment:

"The chicken we eat is loaded with female hormones. So, when men eat it, they tend to deviate from their manhood."

That damn estrogen. I'm telling you, it's the source of all the world's problems. From PMS to Pregnancy (Unwanted) and now Pole Smokers!

I'll admit, I don't know much about Bolivia. I assumed it just had chickens walking down the dirt paths they called streets? Little hens and roosters, just waiting to be beheaded and cooked. I mean, Prez Morales did say that he only eats "organic chicken".

Then again, the streets of Key West are full of wild chickens and it's one of the gayest locations on the planet. It's against the law to hurt or kill them any way, so maybe if they were a little more lenient against the chicken killers, perhaps they would butch it up a little bit down there?

Media Monday: Calling Shenanigans on the Stolen iPhone

2010-04-26T18:37:00.001-07:00

A story developing over the past couple weeks has had me skeptical from day one: apparently some dude found the next version of the iPhone in a Silicon Valley Bar, and sold it to the Gadget Blog Gizmodo for five grand.
And today, the latest twist: A task force raided the Gizmodo editor's home searching for evidence of possession of stolen property.

I call shenanigans. SHENANIGANS, I SAY!!

The suspension of disbelief in this story is just too great. It requires us to accept too many unlikely scenarios:

1. The iPhone 4G prototype could just be taken out of the Apple building.
No way. I am not familiar with Apples' mode of operations, but I'm pretty sure you can't just "borrow" a prototype for any gadget for the night the way a video game store employee would. Especially when said prototype would be as hyped as a new iPhone. And even if it were possible...

2. The person who took it out wouldn't be so careless as to just leave it in a bar.
Steve Jobs looks like an executioner. Tales of his temper have been whispered for years. The person who would be allowed to take such a thing from the Apple offices probably isn't the type of person who goes and gets plastered and tells all his friends. And even if, even if we accept the above two, it's still highly unlikely that...

3. The inebriate who stumbled upon it on the floor of a bar knew what it was.
It was said that the phone was disguised in an iPhone 3G case. In a time where half the douchebags on the planet own an iPhone, how would this schmuck know that it wasn't what it seemed? Even if he was a Silicon Valley techy nerd guy, did he really comprehend what he found?

So I have two theories: either that phone was taken illegally from the Apple premises by some embittered employee (although, I would think he would want more than five grand for risking his job), or this is all some elaborate marketing ploy to drum up interest in the months before the release of the device. Perhaps Apple is feeling the heat of competition from Android?

Media Monday: Cell Phones Go To The Grave

2010-04-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

Back in the day, people were buried with some sort of memento...something that the loved ones of the deceased placed in their casket, such as a photo, a certain favorite piece of jewelry, or perhaps a favorite hat.

As we have moved into a society that defines the person by their possessions, burial procedures have gone from the personal to the absurd. People get buried in their cars. And now, people want to be buried with their cell phones.

There's just so many reasons why this is wrong. Or at the very least, just plain stupid. The article speaks of people calling the phone, knowing very well there won't be an answer, but it's a source of comfort to them. Maybe they should just try prayer?

It also talks about people who are connected to their phones all day everyday. I love my phone, but it is no subsitute for real life contact. And most people who walk around talking to air with a glowing bluetooth in their ear are most likely douchebags anyway, and the only reason they're remembered fondly is because they died before people could catch on to that fact.

Maybe I'm biased. I happen to think nothing of value should go six feet under. There's plenty of other things you could do with it, like allow ME to inherit it for instance. I promise I would treasure it...until it sold on eBay.

Wellness Wednesday: The Christian Alternative to Health Insurance

2010-04-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

The 2,000 page Obamacare behemoth includes lots of little interesting tidbits. One of the lesser-known ones is that people who enroll in a faith-based medical co-op are exempt from the mandate to purchase insurance.

Health care sharing ministries have been around for quite some time, but when word of the exemption starts to spread, they may end up becoming a lot more popular. The premise is that the members pay for each others care, whether directly to the person in need, or into a fund that is managed by the ministry. Some pay as needed, others pay a monthly fee.

Requirements vary based on the group, but generally the members must attend church regularly (with proof signed by a pastor), and vow to practice the tenets of the religion (most of these are Christian-based ministries). The groups can be small local affairs, or large organizations that cross state or even country borders.

The benefits can be huge. Patients have talked of massive bills being taken care of with not a single issue. Avoiding the bureaucratic entanglements and hoop-jumping that some insurance companies are known for is another. Members are able to directly negotiate prices with providers, and may receive discounts for paying with cash.

The downfalls are that not every group may be prepared or skilled enough to negotiate and the danger for misuse of funds seems high, even for a religious group. Though the ministries have to meet with very specific guidelines for their members to be exempted from the insurance mandate (for example, the co-op must have been in existence at least ten years, and must undergo annual audits), once word gets out that an alternative is available, people may start flocking to them.

And that is where the real danger comes in. While more members in a co-op means more available money, it also means more people trying to get a piece of that pie. A signature saying you went to church can be forged.

When you don't pay your insurance premiums, you lose coverage. Would a group of people operating out of the goodness of their hearts be able to make such a firm stand? What if multiple members become catastrophically ill? Would the funds have to be divided? Would a tough decision have to be made for who received the assistance?

All hypothetical questions to be sure. The MSNBC article paints a very rosy picture, but that's under the current standard. The bigger something gets, the more likely wolves are to hide amongst the lambs.

Media Monday: ChatRoulette--I just don't get it.

2010-04-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

I try to stay up on social networking. Recently I made the difficult decision to terminate my MySpace Account, which I had used for five and a half years. It had become a hub of spam friend requests and infrequent contact with actual people, most of whom are also on my Facebook.

While Facebook has happily filled the void, and FourSquare has provided me with new entertainment, I'm still open to whatevers out there. So I decided to give ChatRoulette a try.

ChatRoulette, for those of you who aren't up to speed, is a random video chat site. There's no registration process, no info you have to give. You just need a webcam. Mine happens to be built into my laptop.

The appeal is supposed to be the randomness of the people you get to chat with. The way it works in reality is you end up with an endless series of 14-24 year old guys, most of whom are looking for women to take their clothes off.

And there's also the masturbators.

Seriously, approximately 1 in 5 Chatters are guys pulling on their pythons. For women, apparently, given the fact that they click "Next" if you have any appearance of male-ness. They do this despite the fact that no woman I know has any desire to look at some internet troll beat their meat.

The site says you must be 16+. But since anyone can get on the site, and there is no identifying information, you could literally witness a murder on live webcam, and have no way to do anything about it, except click a little button that says "Report". And by the time you managed to do that, it would be too late.

I don't love ChatRoulette. I haven't completely written it off yet, but until the site gives me some people I can actually do the "Chat" part with, I have little interest in watching the NakedDudeRoulette.

Wellness Wednesday: Google "Tries" To Help The Suicidal

2010-04-07T19:40:00.000-07:00

Within the last week or so, Google has implemented a new result for when people search for suicide methods:

The phone number for the "National Suicide Prevention Lifeline" is a new feature, based on some random person's suggestion. While suicide is certainly a serious issue, and not one I will treat lightly here, one can't help but notice the other links that the search result brings up.

Of course, it's not 100% Google's fault. The search engine is an automated algorithm, and it basically shows the sequence of words that the user types in. However, one has to wonder how often someone uses Google for such a purpose. If it's often enough to warrant posting a hotline, is there no way to re-direct the user to other articles and links that might prove helpful to them in such a dire time? At the very least, couldn't Google prevent any search results from popping up except the hotline?

I'm no computer scientist, but it seems like, in this case, Google is simply making a token gesture, and simply trying to protect themselves from any lawsuits.

Media Monday: Foursquare--Fun, Creepy, or Pointless?

2010-04-05T18:48:00.000-07:00

Do you FourSquare?

Chances are you have one of two responses:

"What is FourSquare?"

"ZOMG I TOTES CAN'T STOP!!"

FourSquare is a new social-networking site/phone app. It uses GPS and a user-generated listing of businesses, and users "check-in" where they are. They also can leave "tips" about the business. Users get points for checking in at multiple locations, and if they check in at the same place enough times, they can get become the "mayor" of that place. There are also badges to be earned for acheiving different objectives.

This whole system of points and badges and acheivements is a huge part of FourSquare's appeal. Savvy businesses in larger cities are also starting to catch on, creating "Mayor's Specials".

Not everyone gets the point, though. One of my friends called it a "flashy way to trick you into invading your privacy" and that "Now serial killers don't have to stalk you for days, they can just go on a website". Many of my other friends haven't even heard of it. And it's hard to explain it to them:

"See, you just tell your friends where you are, and you earn points for doing that..."

And, as with every other site, there are the users who are naive enough to post where there homes are, or give false or misleading information about a business. But it's a hell of a lot of fun.

For every Facebook, there's a thousand other social networking sites that don't make it. I'm not sure how long FourSquare has been around, but for now it seems to be gaining steam.

Btw, if you want, you can follow me.

Wellness Wednesday: Reform, Reform, Reform

2010-03-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

So, we finally have health care reform...

*looks around*

*crickets chirp*

Well, the fall of civilization hasn't happened yet.

What secured the final holdouts in the House was Obama's promise that federal funds would not be used to pay for abortions. Instead, they can get coverage separately, but must pay out of pocket.

I imagine it being like when I sign up for health insurance for my job. There's a long list of additional coverages I can elect to pay for, such as Short/Long Term Disability and Accidental Death & Dismemberment.

The problem with that is, just like I have no plans to be accidentally dismembered in the foreseeable future, abortions aren't exactly planned out either.

Although I can see some conservatives painting this picture:

"I forgot to bring a condom, baby..."

"No need. I bought Humana Abortion Plus. We can just kill off any eggs you accidentally fertilize!"

No, women don't just go off and buy a Baby-B-Gon to get rid of any unwanted fetuses (fetii?) in the same way they would buy a Sudafed to shake a cold,

Abortions wouldn't even be an issue if people weren't too dumb/naive to think that they would never get pregnant in the first place.

Here in America, we love the sin and hate the sinner. It's all good to have sex on teen dramas and spray deodrant commercials. But we don't even have a useless tagline like beers do.

I recommend "Please Bone Responsibly"

Media Monday: Technology vs. Higher Education

2010-03-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

First, an apology to my readers for my absence. Work and other projects have taken up a lot of my spare time.

A friend of mine recently enrolled in one of those online "universities", where they promise you degrees in just a fraction of the time. These "colleges" do, for the most part, mimic public programs, and that includes classes like the oft-dreaded "Intro To Public Speaking".

But, alas, this school is 100% online. They do not meet in a classroom. So instead, the student has to obtain a web-cam, and record their speech ahead of time. In other words, their public speaking is decidedly not public.

The recording isn't even live. My friend was bragging how she can stop recording if she makes the slightest mistake and start all over. Take away the audience, and the "live" element, and even the most timid of introverts become star speakers, and fail to learn to crucial elements of the class (read: enunciation, volume and clarity of speech, overcoming fear of audience, etc).

I'm not going to go into some old man's rant about how things aren't the way they "used to be". I'm all for online testing, making lectures into downloadable podcasts, and having Skype conference calls with "guest speakers". Technology is meant to supplement or enhance the learning experience, not substitute it.

Media Monday's: YouTube for the Pre-School generation

2010-03-08T17:39:00.000-08:00

So my four-year-old nephew discovered YouTube about a month or so ago. Ever since then, he's been taken with watching cartoon clips, or videos of fire trucks and police cars. Normal kid stuff.

But he's also discovered some pretty hot-and-heavy soft core action. Nothing too graphic, but apparently enough to put some filters on YouTube. Just shows my sister what happens when she turns her back on her kids just for a moment.

He's also gotten fairly clever, as evidenced by this exchange we had last weekend:
Him: "Uncle, I want to figure out why girls go swimming...so can you type 'Girls Swimming' into the computer for me?"
Me: "You know your mom doesn't want you looking at girls on the computer.
Him: "Well, can you just do Thomas the Train then."

He's also tried to get me to find videos of mermaids. And not the animated ones that sing with crabs.

Wellness Wednesday--It's March and You're Still Fat

2010-03-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

March has just begun, and by now, most of you have forgotten about your New Year's Resolutions.

Shame on you.

Sure, you went to the gym every day for that one week in January. Then you got sick, or it was raining, or you had to work late. So you skipped a day. For some of you, that was the end. You simply found a host of other excuses:

"It's too cold out."
"I had a flat tire"
"I'm on my period."

Others of you soldiered on, determined to be beach-body ready by Spring Break. But how many of you made it to the end of the month? How many of you are still working towards your goals now?

It's the perfect time to re-evaluate your New Year's Resolutions. Maybe you did acheive your goal, or came pretty darn close. Can you set new ones?

I'm just as guilty. I did great in January, but February saw me back at the drive-thru. Due to travel to Key West in just a few weeks, I am still the chunky 178 lbs I was when the clock struck midnight on Dec. 31. The 3-day a week running plan I had started two weeks ago has sort of petered out. But instead, I'm walking every day now. If I do go to a drive-thru, it's for a grilled chicken salad (McDonald's Southwest is my fave.)

That's the great thing about your Resolutions. They aren't engraved in stone (and if they are, kudos to you for not having commitment issues). They can always be re-evaluated, re-worked. So put down that cheeseburger, hop on that treadmill, and get back on track!

Happy (2 Months After) New Year!!

Media Monday: Barack Obama is watching you.

2010-03-01T19:15:00.000-08:00

This weekend, several government programs were up for renewal. Among them: unemployment benefits, federal highway and transit programs, and the Patriot Act, which Barack Obama raised issues with on the campaign trail.

But on Saturday Night, a time when most of America is enmeshed in their weekend entertainment, President Obama quietly approved an extension to the Patriot Act. And not only did he extend it, but he did so without any provisions that would keep the government's authority in check.

It has been said that there are two sides of Obama: Obama the Leader and Obama the Politician. This is definitely Obama the Politician. The timing of his signature is NOT coincidence folks.

And shame on the media for neglecting the issue. Most of the major news sites simply have the AP story, with little to no commentary.

Feudal Friday: Drag Queens Brawl at MickeyD's

2010-02-26T17:38:00.000-08:00

Really there isn't much I can say that this video doesn't cover. It doesn't say quite what set off the drag queens (although from the descriptions the employees gave, I think it's fair to say that they probably didn't treat the trannies like 'ladies').

Also, while it's been several years since I punched a clock at the Golden Arches, and I don't recall there being a protocol in the handbook for Drag Queen Invasions, I'm pretty sure that "throw hot grease" is decidedly NOT it.

I feel for the guy at the end, though, with his face bandaged after a swipe from the she-males nails. Those dudes in dresses take their "work" pretty seriously, and so those talons probably weren't press-ons.

Wellness Wednesday: Swiss Hookers Will Keep You Alive

2010-02-24T17:11:00.000-08:00

Apparently, in Switzerland, much like Nevada, prostitution is legal. And apparently, just like in America, overweight, unhealthy old men patron these brothels. So what does one do if the Viagra-fueled geriatric population experiences cardiac arrest because the service is so...outstanding?

The answer: Pimps train their hookers to use defibrilators. Seriously.

I wonder how much a defib runs in the European Union? The quote at the end says they are becoming increasingly easier for the "lay person" to use. But are the hoes trained in knowing when to pull out the defib machine? Are they taught to recognized the difference between a client's O-Face and their Heart Attack Face?

And where are they stored? Are they in some medical storage room where they have shots of penicillin and other necessities of the sex trade? Do they keep them out in the open for some authenticity during a "Naughty Nurse" scenario? Perhaps it's on a cart with various other items of pleasure, patented by Wenger. After all, if they can invent the Swiss Army Knife, who knows what they can come up with in the Sexual Accoutrements/Medical Necessities department.

Media Monday: Ain't That America...

2010-02-22T17:22:00.000-08:00

Apparently, there has been a big push on Facebook to get John Mellencamp to run for Senate. I've seen some odd and unusual fan pages on the world's most popular social networking site, but this one is kind of ridiculous.

I think it shows how ignorant American's are if they think someone who's sole skill is making up catchy guitar riffs and sing-a-long lyrics is capable of making decisions that impact our country's future.

Would he propose the "Jack-And-Diane" bill to revamp sex education in public schools? Or perhaps he will pen the "Pink Houses" zoning ordinance?

The Senate seat in question is being vacated by the soon retiring Evan Bayh of Indiana. Bayh claims partisan politics prevented any real progress being made, and that voters should send incumbents packing, but I think the cybernerds up in the Hoosier state are taking it a bit far.

Mellencamp for his part has not made any statements about the groups, but it seems fair to say he is not interested. Apparently some people think it could be a real danger, though, seeing as there is a separate Facebook group opposing any potential Senate run.

Wellness Wednesday: Kevin Smith and My Unimaginable Pain

2010-02-17T20:08:00.000-08:00

So, recently Kevin Smith was denied a flight on Southwest Airlines for being too fat. He was indignant, outraged, even, taking his stubby little fingers to Twitter, where he stirred up a profane storm of criticisms toward the airline.

Ok look...I understand some people struggle with their weight. And I understand some celebrities like to rage against Hollywood ideals of beauty being equated with being thin (Monique comes to mind). But if you are so fat they eject you from an airplane, maybe, just perhaps, possibly, YOU are the one with the problem, not Southwest, or Hollywood, or society.

I like Kevin Smith, and his movies. But if you fail to take charge of your life and your health, then I do not feel sympathy for you.

On a fairly vaguely related note, in my own effort to not turn into an airplane-banned behemoth, I have started the CouchTo5k Running Plan, and OMG I have not been so sore in my entire life. It seems so easy...you do a "brisk warm-up walk" then alternate jogging and walking for like a minute or so at a time. But the jogging minutes seem to go on forever and the walking minutes are over too soon.

I am thinking of putting some pics up to help show my progress, so we'll see how that goes. I'll post updates on Wellness Wednesdays.

Media Monday: The Resurrection of Joe The Plumber

2010-02-15T17:54:00.001-08:00

This past weekend, Sam Wurzelbacher, aka "Joe The Plumber" from the 2008 presidential campaign, reared his bald little head, speaking at a fundraiser for state Republicans in Pennsylvania.

Among JTP's remarks were that Sen. John McCain "used him", and that he "screwed my life up."

First of all, Joe/Sam/Whatever, how exactly is your life screwed up? Up until I saw this story in an AOL teaser, I had forgotten you even existed, which is remarkable, considering how many tmes you were named dropped during the final months of the campaign. Maybe you had a couple of months of paparazzi hanging around at your door, or maybe you were irked that it was revealed you don't even have a plumbing license, but if you're giving speeches at fundraisers, you are clearly still trying to milk that 15 minutes of fame for all that it was worth.

Apparently, Sammy is in high demand (or so he says), claiming he has been asked for support from over 200 politicians. And he vets them very carefully. He doesn't just sell-out willy nilly, you see...that might come back and bite him in the ass. He is a very picky sell-out.

If you want the endorsement from someone who doesn't even have a license to do his own job, how can you expect him to understand your economic plans, or your ideas for urban development, or anything?

Mr. Wurzamacallit, you do NOT speak for me on behalf of hard working, middle-class Americans.

Feudal Friday: John Mayer vs. Women

2010-02-12T17:42:00.000-08:00

There is a big stir over John Mayer's interview with Playboy magazine, in which he uses the "n" word, says he wouldn't sleep with black women, and talks a LOT about his famous exes, Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson.

This begs the question...how douchey can a person be before they lose fans?

Mayer started off as a quiet, unassuming, geeky sort, who wrote catchy pop songs. But since his debut, he has evolved into a bluesy, Clapton-esque master of the guitar. But instead of quietly boning groupies and getting regular antibiotic shots, he has to go high-profile. Then he whines that the media is more focussed on his lovelife than his music.

Here's a hint, Mayer: If you want people to listen to your music and forget about who you sleep with, don't go talking all about your exes in Playboy Magazine!

I have no issue with Mayer's starlet-sexing. Nor do I have any issue with his music. But I wonder how long his main fan-base (horny women) will continue to buy his records, and swoon over his sensitive-guy schtick in concert, when they know that he's really just a racist, chauvinist, man-whore.

Wellness Wednesday: Smoking Slows Swimming Sperm

2010-02-10T17:34:00.000-08:00

A new study tracks factors that affect the mobility of sperm. It goes into technical and complicated explanations of how the sperm releases protons once in the vagina, causing the sperm to change its pH and become more alkaline.

An interesting discovery during the study was that endocannaboids, which may be in high levels around the egg, may help "activate" the sperm, causing them to swim harder. And since these endocannaboids act on the same receptors marijuana does (hence the "cannabis" root in the word), it suggests a strong link between marijuana and male infertility.

Apparently, toking up makes the sperm active while still in the testes, so they get "burnt out" by being so active before leaving the genitals that they expend all their energy.

This is probably the only part of the human body that gets energy after getting high. But then the sperms become lazy and loaf around the testes watching television and eating boston creme rolls all day.

It is thought that further study of this process can be used to either slow down the sperm, acting as a sort of Ganja Male Contraceptive, or speed it up to promote male fertility. Thus giving "Medicinal Marijuana" a whole new meaning.

The study does not explain why stoners are more likely to have unplanned pregnancies and stuff their faces full of Honey Buns bought on their Food Stamp Cards.

Media Monday: SuperBowl Recap

2010-02-08T17:16:00.000-08:00

So, SuperBowl Sunday has come and gone, and the Saints are on their way back home with their trophy. It wasn't really the game everyone thought it was going to be...one interception changed the tide of the game, and it was all downhill from there.

First, let's address my predictions:

1. The Who did indeed play all three of the songs I predicted, and two more, but, alas, not in the order. They were also somewhat disappointing, Daltrey's voice feeling the effects of age.
2. E*Trade did, in fact, have a new baby, albeit with the same voice-over artist.
3. Heineken was actually NOT a sponsor this year.
4. The Tim Tebow commercial was such a non-event that many people were waiting for a follow-up commercial later in the game.
5. GoDaddy did indeed exploit Danica Patrick, first with Heather Graham as a masseuse, and then later with female talk-show hosts, each of whom started tearing off clothes until the commercial cut short. Megan Fox also provided some sex-selling in a not-so-subtle ad of her in the bathtub.

So here are my ad awards:

Strangest Trend: No Pants! Career Builder, Dockers, Coca-Cola, and KGB all had men in their underwear.

Most Effective: Dockers, "Wear The Pants." You better believe I went online and entered for a chance to win free pants.

Least Effective: Audi. Strangely, their "Green Police" commercial was also the most controversial, with several people talking about how "disturbing" it was. I thought it was kind of funny, but it was a case where the gag stood out more than the product being touted.

Most Chauvinist: Yeah, it's a guy's game, but FloTV's commercial about a guy being dragged along shopping with his wife had comments like "Removed his spine" and "Lose the skirt". Dodge Charger gets second place with "Man's Last Stand", followed by Bridgestone's "Tires or Wife".

Dumbest: Probably the Boost Mobile Shuffle. Second place would be the KGB Sumo Wrestlers.

Funniest: Honorable mentions go to Snickers for their Betty White commercial, Letterman on the couch with Oprah and Leno, and Hyundai featuring Brett Favre in the year 2020. But the winner is:

DORITOS!

Every single one of their commercials was consistently LOL funny. To see the all the SuperBowl commercials in one spot, head over to http://www.myspace.com/thebiggame, and share your thoughts in the Mosh Pit below!

Feudal Friday: SuperBowl Picks

2010-02-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

SuperBowl Sunday is imminent, and I'd like to say that while I root for the Saints, it would probably be better for all of us if the Colts won, because Peyton Manning is already an opportunistic media whore, and it would make me sad if we had to watch Drew Brees turn into one.

I don't know much else about football, so here are my other picks for SuperBowl XLIV

1. The Who will play "Who Are You?", "Baba O'Riley" and "Won't Get Fooled Again"...in that order.

2. E*Trade (a company I never see any other commercials for except for SuperBowl time) will have to debut a new creepy talking toddler, since their previous one has surely grown too much.

3. Heineken will win the annual rivalry against Budweiser for funniest commercial.

4. Monday's big story won't be any longshot Hail Mary's or Field Goals, but the reactions to the controversial Tim Tebow anti-abortion commercial.

5. Even though GoDaddy isn't getting their flamboyant footballer-turned interior designer commercial on the air, they will still continue to find new ways to exploit Danica Patrick's assets.

So, in favor of equal-opportunity exploitation, I ask of you: which quarterback looks better without their shirt?

Media Monday: Megan Mullaly's Musical Misery

2010-02-01T17:53:00.000-08:00

So, let's say you were a struggling actress who got their big break at the age of 40. Say you spent almost 10 years portraying that character, winning awards, all the fame & fortune that goes with, but found yourself typecast because you were so convincing. What would you do afterwards? Write a memoir? Return to the stage? Live off guest appearances and voice overs?

If you're Megan Mullaly, formerly the screechy, boozing, spoiled rich girl Karen Walker on "Will & Grace", you shill for faux butter:

Wow. Apparently she didn't get enough time with gay people during her stint on Will & Grace. She's certainly not the first TV star to have to do commercials for a paycheck (see: Luke Wilson, creepily lurking around in the AT&T ads, or Julia-Louis Dreyfus, who currently HAS a successful TV show, yet still makes Healthy Choice commercials, doing the tired "I don't do commercials" hack.)

But Mullaly is an accomplished theater and musical actress. She doesn't have to do this. Sure, her talk show was a huge bomb. So was her post-W&G sitcom, "In the Motherhood". Still, she appeared in the Fame remake, and her karaoke-bar stint in that movie was a far better 2-minute showcase of her vocals than this tripe.

Late last year, she talked about possibly doing a Karen musical. Listen, Megs, if you want to distance yourself from your Karen Walker character and get more roles, then DON'T DO A KAREN MUSICAL!!

Failure to heed my warnings will only get you stuck further into Typecast Hell, with a spot next to Kelsey Grammer.

Feudal Friday: Race Relations-From BonQuiQui to Barack

2010-01-29T19:04:00.001-08:00

Consider this video:

Kinda funny, right? If not necessarily laugh out loud hilarious, then at least good for a chuckle. It's been viewed more than 28 million times on YouTube.

But you should already guess that I did not post this just to share a funny video with you. I want to ask you a couple of questions about our little friend Bon QuiQui:

1. What race would you say she is?
2. What race would you say she was portraying?

The actress is named Anjelah Johnson. She is of mixed Mexican-American and Native American descent. And it's clear she's portraying a ghetto girl. It could be argued that her character is black, or maybe just a "wigger".

And yet we laughed at Bon Qui Qui. The more ghetto she got, the funnier it became.

So then, why are we alarmed when Chris Matthews says he "forgot Obama was black"? Or when Harry Reid says Obama doesn't have a "negro dialect". We ALL know what a "negro dialect" is. Bon Qui Qui has a "negro dialect". And we laugh at it. And it isn't exactly intellectual humor.

Bon Qui Qui is a caricature, just like Miss Swan from the same show, or Jack from Will & Grace, or the Bee or Apu from the Simpsons. But chances are, we all know a Bon Qui Qui, so entertainment just reinforces a stereotype that actually exists.

Which makes it pretty ridiculous when someone makes a statement that Obama is NOT like a stereotype, and we get all bent out of shape about it.

Wellness Wednesday: Scientologists in Haiti

2010-01-27T17:44:00.000-08:00

Controversy arose this week with John Travolta's trip to Haiti, and the Scientologists that preceded him. Apparently, they use some technique called "Assist" to "heal" (visualize airquotes here) to somehow cure victims down there of various ailments.

I had no idea that Scientologists took a page from the Benny Hinn handbook. Although instead of slapping them on the foreheads, they "touch people through their clothes."

Here in the US of A, we have laws against such things. And anyways, it's just creepy: "Oh...you have a tummy ache? Here, let me touch your belly...it'll make you feel better!" Sure, strange guy with a bright yellow shirt! Come and touch me!!

Let's be clear what this is about, though: the Scientologists want to convert Haitians. But their methods don't make sense. If any nation doesn't have a penny to their name right now, it's Haiti, and the Scientologists hardly ever provide anything for free, except apparently feel-ups.

Media Monday: Life After "Jersey Shore"

2010-01-25T18:03:00.000-08:00

The wife beaters and Ed Hardy shirts have all been folded up and put away. The last of the hair gel has been washed down the drain. And the kids of the Jersey Shore will have to look for some other way to milk their fifteen minutes of fame.

Snooki, J-Woww, Sammi, Ronnie, Vinny, Pauly D, and "The Situation" are all back home, and have to adjust to returning to "normal" life now that everyone has seen them act like abominations before God on national television. Unfortunately, having sex with random strangers, fist pumping, and starting fights on the street aren't marketable talents.

So they are negotiating a second season.

However, these kids seem to think that because their little show was such a big hit, they can band together and negotiate a higher salary.

I got two words for you kids: "Real World." Currently in its 23rd season, "The Real World" has shown that there is NO shortage of people willing to act like imbeciles, knowing that their friends, family, and random strangers are watching. Although "The Jersey Shore" has slightly more specific guidelines for their cast (read: "Be Italian"), anyone of the members of the original group can easily be replaced (and MTV has already indicated they have no qualms about doing so), and the show will still be a hit.

At least for a couple more seasons, until they move to Alabama, and gather a whole bunch of rednecks for "The Hillbilly Shore".

Feudal Friday: Conan vs. Leno....what happens to Mighty Max?

2010-01-22T20:14:00.000-08:00

I've avoided writing about this matter because there's not much more I can add to the media frenzy that's already surrounded it. And it doesn't take a big news outlet to figure out that NBC messed up big time, and in the end, both sides will win. Conan is the only person in America who can get a fat check for telling his bosses to shove it. Leno, for all the backlash he's faced for this debacle, will continue on his merry way, leading the "Tonight Show" in strong ratings, and this will be forgotten by Fall, because the average American has an attention span of approximately 8.6 minutes.

But there remains one question yet to be asked...one that is on the forefront of the minds of all late-night tellyvison viewing Americans...

"What will happen to Max Weinberg?"

Max, for those of you not enlightened, is the drummer/bandleader of the uniquely-named Max Weinberg 7, who successfully led both Conan's of shows: "Late Night" and "The Tonight Show".

Conan has options...if he doesn't get another late night hosting gig, he could go back to stand up, or writing. One blogger has been calling him to return "The Simpson's" to its former glory.

But Max...all he can do is drum. Sure, you might say he has his first job, with Bruce Springsteen and the E Street band, but they are on indefinite hiatus. The man has no other discernible talent...without a band, he's just some creepy old Jewish guy.

And let's face it, at almost 60, the man is not going to be learning a new occupation. And up-and-coming bands don't know how much this man can rock. Again, the creepy old man quotient would deter them from hiring Mighty Max.

Let's hope he got a nice chunk of the $17 million severance package Conan secured for his staff. Otherwise, until Springsteen gets around to writing a new album, the guy is screwed.

Wellness Wednesday: Drive-Thru Diets

2010-01-20T17:08:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have made resolutions to lose weight this year, simply make a trip to your Taco Bell! That's right, your favorite quasi-mexican fast-food joint is promoting their Drive-Thru Diet!!

All you have to do is simply make a "Frescolution" and make a run for the toile...er...Border! Montezuma's Revenge never looked so good.

When "SuperSize" me came out, it was a blistering indictment of not only McDonald's, but the fast food industry in general. But if Americans are good at anything, it's rationalizing their bad choices. Soon it was "well, of course if you eat it every day it's going to be bad."

But that wasn't enough. A North Carolina woman proved you can eat McDonald's every day and still lose weight. Viola! "SuperSize Me" is disproven! Bring on the Big Mac!!

But back to Taco Bell. All you have to do to make your taco healthy is order it "Fresco". "Fresco" in TacoBellSpeak means "put some green-colored shredded paper in it and call it lettuce, slap a couple tomatoes and onions on top, and there you have it, a healthy taco!"

"Fresco" hides the true weight loss secret of the meals...the stool-loosening meat and beans underneath all that "Fresco". Notice the lack of cheese on the food...thus preventing any possible chance of constipation.

Given that the Taco Bell founder lived to be 86, one wonders how much of his own product he consumed...but then again, a cause of death wasn't listed...

Feudal Friday: Disney vs. The "Ex-Gay"

2010-01-15T20:02:00.000-08:00

When I first read this article, I had to double check my browser window to make sure I wasn't reading the Onion or something. The gist of it is, some group wants Disney to add "ex-gays" (gays who have chosen to stop leading a homosexual lifestyle) to their non-discrimination policies.

The gays love them some Disney, and Disney loves them back. And given the strange need of the some* parts of the homosexual population to see, speak, and read everything through the "gay" lens, combined with the way they speculate about the sexuality of anyone who shows the tiniest effeminancy, I can see where they might be a little brash towards the "ex-gay". Maybe they are just tired of adding to the LGBTSQXGIHOPSCOTUS acronym.

But the issue at hand is: do these people really need legal language to protect them? Are they sure their being discriminated against because they're ex-gays? Having been gays at one time, they should realize that some gay people can be that catty and judgmental towards everyone.

My favorite part from the article, though, sums up the absurdity of the Ex-Gays argument pretty nicely. Paraphrasing a non-profit exec that is a watchdog for reparative therapy groups: "Ex-gays would be 'straight' people, so they would be protected under Disney's anti-discrimination policies."

Thanks to Erica for the original article link.

*I said SOME! I know many of my friends out there are mature, open minded, wonderful gay people.

Wellness Wednesday: To Chop or Not To Chop?

2010-01-13T07:00:00.000-08:00

There is an article on MSNBC today about circumcision. Ya know, the Great Chop.

What do people consider when getting their son circumcised? According to the article, it's a mixture of lack of information, mis-information, tradition, and aesthetic. While we've come a long way from the Victorian school of thought that a circumcised penis is an un-masturbated penis (turns out, guys will want to pull out their junk no matter what), it's still a hotly debated issue.

Being a male, I am obviously an authority on the matter, so I shall address some of these concerns:

"It's not hygenic, and can lead to Urinary Tract Infections and other problems"

Well, it does have to be cleaned. But, then again, a good* parent-to-be will bathe their child regularly, and then when he is old enough, teach him how to do it himself.

"Uncircumcised Penises are more likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases."

Um, perhaps. But the penis in question still has to come in contact with the tainted receptacle to begin with. If your son goes around sleeping with dirty hos, he's going to eventually experience that burning sensation (or worse) no matter how much skin surrounds his winky-doo.

"I don't want my son to be 'different' from other boys."

This is understandable. 80% of males in the U.S. are Chopped. But your son is probably going to turn out weird in some way or another anyways. Do you really want to complicate that by sending those mixed messages of conformity?

"My father was circumcised, so I was, so shall my son be"

Ah yes...the classic Like Father, Like Son argument. This is much like the High School Football Dream. Studies** have shown that the more a father pushes his son to be like him, the more the opposite of him the son is going to try to be.

There is a third option here, which I think could be the most viable solution. That is Adult Circumcision. Parents, stop trying to control your boys wangs and let him be a Man and decide for himself!

*Because this great country abounds with responsible parents who in no way had babies that they were too young and too unprepared for.

** Based on accounts of father-son relationships of me and several of my friends.

Media Monday: Can I Be A Fox News Commentator?

2010-01-11T17:36:00.000-08:00

It was announced today that Sarah Palin will be a commentator on Fox News. She will be offering "political commentary" and "analysis" on the channel, web site, and radio network.

Tell me, exactly what kind of insight does Sarah Palin have to offer? How to survive ethics investigations? How to use a failed presidential campaign to shamelessly self-promote oneself? Or perhaps she shall offer the sage advice of "When being a politician is too gosh-darn hard, just quit and have someone ghost-write a book for you instead!"

Can I get on Fox News? I have a degree in Journalism, just like Palin. I took a couple of poly-sci classes in college. I've kept my job almost four years. I am shameless about promoting myself. And, my niece was on a local Fox affiliate being interviewed before a Miley Cyrus concert! I'm already more qualified than Sarah Palin to be on TV!

Welcome

2010-01-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my blog! I don't know how you got here, but I hope that it's the start of a wonderful adventure!